It's so hard to even give stuff away in the UK!

Since the New Year, hubby and I have started to declutter slowly. I always feel like we're drowning in stuff or 'stufficating', as I accidentally said the other day! It's even worse after the festive period, although we did calm it down somewhat this year compared with years past.

Still, we have accumulated a lot of 'stuff' in the last 10 years and I am sick of trying to find more storage. The answer was obvious all the time, just don't have so much 'stuff'!

Somehow, we've fallen into the consumerist trap of feeling we need 'stuff'. I know from experience how liberating it was when I sold almost everything I owned 13 years ago and moved to California (from the UK) with just two suitcases.

My tiny human, made in the USA!

The year I lived abroad, I only bought what I thought I needed. Looking back, even then I could have bought less, despite having my daughter while living in CA. We didn't buy a lot of 'stuff' for her as we were in a small apartment and didn't know if we were going to stay. We didn't. After a year we came home with a new tiny human in tow.

Oddly though, when I costed the price of moving our minimal furniture and possessions back to the UK it turned out cheaper to pay $1000 (roughly) to have it all shipped than it would have cost to buy these things again when we got home. I loved the lower cost of living in CA. It made me see just how expensive the UK is.

A decade later, I'm back to being overrun with 'stuff'. I fell back into the trap of consumerism, even though I thought I knew better. Granted, some of our furniture is secondhand but I still wonder if it was an actual need when we bought it.

Over the last 6 weeks, hubby and I have been tackling one area of clutter that bugs us at a time. We warmed up by sorting out our bookcases, CDs and DVDs. About half the books were put aside for charity. Missy doesn't read the babyish books any more and we had some that we didn't expect to ever read again. Most of the DVDs went as we don't watch them very often. Just the favourites were kept for when our internet (frequently) goes down. So into the charity box they went.

Encouraged by our progress (and the neatness of our bookshelves) we tackled the sideboard cupboard. I'm sure that stuff hadn't seen daylight in nearly a decade! Most went into the bin or charity boxes. We were on a roll. We tackled the kitchen cupboards, larder, even my office has been started. Then we needed to take the boxes to charity and things stalled.

First of all, I have to do things in little steps so Marie Kondo-ing our 'stuff' isn't feasible. But also, we were storing loads of boxes and bags downstairs waiting to go to charity after the rubbish was taken to the tip.

After the snow cleared (as that was our original time allotted for this task), we hubby loaded up the car and off we went to deliver our still very good condition 'stuff' to charity.

My preferred charity shop, The Shaw Trust, as they helped me try to get back to work years ago, wasn't taking any donations as they were full. The second, The British Heart Foundation (who funded my PhD) took some of the boxes. I'm glad we checked before hubby carried them to the shop as parking is a bitch and they didn't want everything. We ended up just picking a random third charity shop (with no personal attachment) nearby just to get rid of the last few boxes.

No way is this going to the tip!

I couldn't believe how long it took to donate good 'stuff'. These shops are overloaded with good quality items but can't seem to shift them. I really thought that the charity shop stigma in the UK was dying but maybe I'm wrong. I've had the same problem trying to sell things online for next to nothing, like a great violin that Missy has outgrown (she now has a full size one). I can't even give things away! I still have the violin as I'm not taking a really good instrument to the tip! I'm sure I'll find a little boy or girl who would love to learn someday.

Here lies my problem. I can't in good faith throw away really good items but I struggle to give things away as well as no one seems to want secondhand. Our local Freecycle page doesn't have much on there either. I'm pretty sure there is a LOT of money's worth of unused 'stuff' in everyone's attics and garages, or maybe I should be looking for gems at the local tip if others just throw it away. Who knows? I obviously live in an area where people have to have brand new and look down on charity finds. It's so sad. I've found some great things in charity shops and some of Missy's favourite clothes are charity shop chic.

I've moaned about this a lot to my poor hubby. We agree that the answer is for us to simply stop buying. We are not saving this planet by spending more on crap we don't need and then can't rehome later. Consumerism is my pet hate these days. Missy is an eco-warrior so she's more than happy to go this route. As for hubby and I, think of the money we will save!

Back 9 years ago when my last marriage broke down, I had to rely on charity shops for things we needed. Missy had lots of clothes from there, not to mention her beloved books and toys. I also replaced broken furniture with secondhand. I still use most of it today and am more than happy with it. I do hope that people catch on, especially in an area that is known for poverty and is in fact, one of the highest poverty areas in Europe!

So please folks, don't look for the cheapest deals, just stop buying 'stuff'! 

If you NEED something, then look for secondhand or deals first. 

We can save money and save the planet one secondhand item at a time. Missy and her generation would be very grateful.

*Steps down from soapbox!*

Being sick is expensive

Yes, being sick is very expensive. This goes way beyond not being able to work any more and the loss of a professional income. There are also many more, direct and indirect ways that being sick is expensive.

The obvious expenses, apart from the loss of my career, are things like the cost of medications and mobility aids. I've taken a lot of over the counter medications over the last 12 years as well as NHS prescribed ones. These costs may seem small on an individual basis but added up over a year, or decades it can get pretty darn expensive. What's worse is that often they don't work quite as you hoped.

My necessary poison

Sadly, I've often found myself in a position where I absolutely need a certain medication (like my anti-TNF injections that slow my immune system that is hell-bent on destroying me) but the side effects are so severe that I end up taking more medication to keep the side effects (hopefully) under control. And then these medications also have side effects and the vicious cycle quickly gets out of control. This is why I opt to take as little as I can get away from. Hubby and I have a little game we call 'Symptom or side effect', said in the voice over voice from a game show.

With regard to prescription medications, I am grateful that we have the NHS for many of these, even if the more expensive ones are not available to us. I don't have to worry about not having insurance because I can't work. That said, I wish I could get insurance as the NHS is stretched beyond breaking point and I can't see a Dr when needed, or get an ambulance when needed. Waiting lists also run into several years. It's a double-edged sword.

This leads me to another expense. I'm not able to get insurance for anything pre-existing and as any future problems can be assumed to be linked to my autoimmune disease I'm also unlikely to get help for unrelated things as well. Insurance companies find any reason not to pay out. So I'm not insurable.

Without private medical in the UK we are at the mercy of exceptionally long waiting lists, not able to choose the right Drs for our cases (as it's really, really hard to get referred outside your health board) and frequently we get sicker while on these waiting lists. The very unlucky can die before being seen.

As a result, with chronic illness, we are often faced with the expensive out-of-pocket costs of going privately so that we don't risk getting worse while on waiting lists. I've been on several for so many years that I've lost count. I have a LOT of different consultants, as no discipline overseas autoimmune in the UK, so this gets very expensive when it costs about £300 per visit per consultant, and that's before any tests or medications.

I'm saddened once again today as a friend of mine is having to pay privately for an urgent operation that she needs as the waiting list is over 2 years on the NHS. Her consultant asked if it was something she could do as she couldn't wait that long. This is awful. What if she didn't have life savings? Many don't.

I have to mix up what I can using the NHS and the private sector, both for myself and for Missy. The sad thing with autoimmune diseases is that there are no cures, just management if you're lucky. So we are stuck in this endless cycle of reduced income and increased costs for the rest of our lives. Even if we go privately we often don't get any help. For instance, I've seen 6 different neurologists over the last 10 years, some on the NHS, some privately. Only now have I found a Dr who is willing to actually try to uncover what the problems are. All too often, despite paying privately, we get fobbed off as our cases are difficult and require more investigation. This is why I stop and think really long and hard before paying to go privately. Often it's for nothing but we can't risk that this might be the right Dr and we don't see them. It feels like Russian roulette with very high stakes indeed. Moreso, when the stakes are your own daughter's health and wellbeing.

Over the last 10 years, I've had the added expenses of buying mobility aids when I've needed them. I started with walking sticks, then a walker, a wheelchair and now also have a scooter. I did manage to find my walker and scooter second hand thankfully. I wouldn't have been able to afford the scooter new at the time so that was a bit of luck.

These, however, are not the most expensive things. I've also had to rejig my house. I've got grab handles, extra stair rails, a shower seat, steps and so on. I've also paid to have walls knocked down and door thresholds lowered (with the doors needing to be replaced) and a low-level breakfast bar installed to allow me to be able to use the wheelchair indoors as well. I spent a long year living in the wheelchair but I usually have to rely on it for at least a few months a year when my condition flares out of control.

My second-hand scooter allows me to enjoy
the outdoors more often.

As a wheelchair and scooter user, I also need a car that is able to accommodate them. Thankfully, I can use the Motability scheme to lease a suitable car. The downside though is that I am forced to upgrade to a new car every 3 years and pay another big deposit on top of the lease. I will have to find a better option to this at some point but it did allow me to get a car suitable to my needs when money was too tight to afford one. Often, people think that Motability cars are given to us free but that really isn't the case. I have to pay a deposit for the car (usually upwards of £1000 for a wheelchair friendly one) and about £260 per month for the lease. This is also before any adaptions are paid for.

So far, I've only really discussed the costs of supplementing our NHS and mobility costs. There are more. These are perhaps more difficult for others to see. I have a LOT of chemical sensitivities, both in my food and environment. Missy and I have lots of food allergies and sensitivities so we are buying food we can tolerate rather than afford. We simply don't have the range of choice that healthy folk do. We have to read the ingredient list on Every. Single. Item. As you can imagine, shopping can take us quite some time, especially when hubby forgets his reading glasses! We also have to check the same items every time as ingredients are changed on an astonishingly frequent basis. We found out the hard way many times.

Food, to a point, can be controlled quite well despite it being more expensive. However, my environment is an ongoing and demoralising battle. I am very sensitive to chemicals in 'fragrances'. I get very sick (chemical induced meningitis and severe fibromyalgia flares) if I'm exposed to perfumes, aftershaves, laundry products, cleaning fluids, air fresheners, scented candles, cigarette smoke and so on. The list is endless, but I think you get the point.

In my home, I have some, but not total, control. I make my own laundry products and cleaning fluids. No one is allowed to wear perfumes or bring scented products into the house. So I can reduce my exposure. What I can't do is eliminate it.

Visitors often make me sick by accident. They can be very good and not wear perfume or hair spray that day, which really helps. But it goes much deeper. I often react to the scents coming off their clothes from laundry products, or maybe they have been to the shops where scents from air fresheners or other's perfumes have stuck to their clothes. I can't go near anyone who smokes. We all know how awful smokers smell even if their personal hygiene is really good. Sometimes, I can get away with a mild attack so long as I sit across the room with windows open. In winter when it's too cold to have all the windows open it gets very lonely as I can't invite certain friends or family around until the weather warms.

Enjoying the fresh outdoors. I'm pretty sure there
 was a book in my hands too.

This winter, I've tried hard to figure this out and have found that an air purifier is very helpful. I have this one. I'm actually considering getting a second one for upstairs too. They are not cheap but are worth every penny to me. Mine isn't a high priced air purifier (as the costs can go into several hundred and beyond) but it does a good job at cleaning the air for me in my living room, where guests usually sit. The downside is the expense. It's not simply the upfront costs but also the costs of replacing the filters every 6 months. I'm hoping I can source cheaper ones but either way, I find that I have felt so much better and reduced the number of attacks I have so much (by about 80% at a guess) that I am willing to pay.

The air purifier only helps at home though. Maybe if it was still the 80s I could carry one around on my shoulder in place of a boombox, but it's not. Public places are very scary to me. The more people around me, the greater the chance of getting sick. I cannot control what anyone else chooses to do. I'm still grappling with this problem. So far, all I've come up with is to wear a face mask in public places (such as hospitals and GPs, shops, or anywhere there are people). I've found some really efficient masks, in pretty colours 'cause that's important! However, like the air purifier, I have to change the filters in the masks after about 12 hours of wear. I still have the ongoing costs of replacement carbon filters. So far, I only know of one place to get replacement filters so I can't opt for the cheapest... yet. I'm still looking.

I'm pretty sure that there are many more examples of how expensive it is to be sick in just my case, let alone for others who also have this burden. I've had no choice since being sick but to find other ways to trim spending in my life to cover the loss of income and the addition costs of sickness. Over the last decade, I've got pretty good at it too. I'll write about my savings over time.

Dreaming of a rural life

I'm very thankful to have a hubby who sees how important it is to save elsewhere to cover these additional costs, so we don't have any arguments over money. We have opted for a more fiscally savvy life so that we have the money to spend on the truly important things, like health and wellbeing, along with such things as travelling, sailing and financial freedom. We look at every expense now and determine what value it offers to our lives. On closer inspection, I'm happy to say that many things have been dropped from our routine spending as unnecessary.

For now, my search for savings continues as well as my search for cheaper (but suitable) alternatives to fulfil our needs. I am on a mission to a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Simplifying Valentine's day

Hubby and I have decided that we are not going to celebrate Valentine's Day this year, or maybe ever again. Why? Well, putting it bluntly, we don't need to.

This weekend hubby and I will do the same thing as every weekend. No, not plan to take over the world! We will plan a nice meal to cook together and eat together as a family. Actually, Missy won't be here this weekend so it'll be just the two of us. We will likely go out somewhere for a drive or a walk together (weather and health pending that day) and we like to bake a cake together. Later we will curl up on the sofa with the lights low and watch a movie, or maybe play a board game. It is winter after all.

All the family together on our Honeymoon

Sounds cosy right? And it is. Hubby even put up fairy lights for me to make it more cosy for winter. The big thing here is that we do this most weekends (and often in the week) so we don't need a special day. Every day is special for us.

I am very lucky to have a wonderfully caring and romantic hubby. He does very unromantically romantic things for me (as I do for him). He looks after my needs without me having to ask, often before I even know I have them. He brings me a cup of tea in the mornings because he knows it's the most difficult time of day for me. He takes over the cooking when he can see I'm tired. He might need instructions on how to finish whatever random dish I've concocted but I'm sat down with a cuppa while he does the work. If he's having a tough day in work I will try to make one of his favourite dishes for dinner for when he gets home. Nothing soothes him like a homecooked meal, a maybe a glass of wine or two.

The way to my man's heart.
Look at that face!

We tell each other every day that we love each other. We also tell Missy every day. We don't say it to hear it back or to use as a tool, but just because we want the other person to know. We will quietly hold each others' hands anytime, anywhere, just to re-enforce that we are here for each other. We cwtch (hug) often without needing to say a word. We will sometimes text the other in the day just to say that we miss them. We are very tactile as a couple and I love it.

These little actions speak far louder than a card and a bunch of store bought flowers one day a year. I hate the feeling of obligation that we must buy something just because society sees it as the thing to do. Really, it's another heavily marketed day, like Mother's Day, Father's Day, *insert random occasion* Day just for businesses to try to prise money from us.

Here's the thing though, love and contentment can't be bought but they are free to give. These are things that build over time together when you do the little things for each other. Hubby offering me (or vice versa) his last sweet means so much more than a gift on a day that has been constructed on feelings of guilt if you don't go along with the crowd. The little things that we do, but don't have to do, for each other every day are the true expressions of love.

Family meal time after cooking together

For years I've been trying to cut down on our consumerism. It's slowly drowning me in stuff and it most certainly does not bring happiness, just more stress over where to keep things that you probably don't even want. I simply don't need or want any more stuff. Material possessions have never meant much to me so they are not special to me.

The best gift for me this Valentine's Day is to not buy (see what I did there!) into it but to look for the special things in every day instead. Not to mention that the money saved can go towards things that are important to us, like our family holiday or experiences together. In years to come, I will remember our trips to France together or the shows that we went to see together, but I won't remember each individual bunch of roses I might receive. Hubby is my Valentine every day and I love him for it.

Homemade laundry detergent saves loads

Laundry detergent, it is soo expensive! I mean, even the store own brands are a lot. But do we really need them? I say no.

Actually, they are extremely bad for my health with all the chemicals and fragrances in them. I've had a problem with some detergents ever since I've been doing my own laundry (a long time now as I'm no spring chicken anymore). The big brands are worse than the cheaper ones too. 

I never really knew why they got to me so much until in recent years when my chemical sensitivities got more and more severe. Now I know it's the hundreds of different chemicals used to produce various "fragrances". So while I'm talking about the undisclosed ingredients in these fragrances, let me ask you, what does clean actually smell like? It smells of nothing. Mind blown!!

As a side note, look up the documentary on Netflix called 'Stink'. A single dad investigates into why his daughter's Christmas pyjamas smell so strongly of chemicals when she opened her gift. It opened up a whole world of toxic chemicals that we don't even know are in our lives and are not regulated for. Scary, scary stuff. 

We have become to think over the last 50 plus years that everything has to smell fragranced to be clean. A great example is with the use of bleach in hospitals. A massive bugbear of mine. You only need the smallest amount of bleach to do the job of sterilising as it's extremely potent. You shouldn't be able to smell it after the area has been cleaned and is dry. So what is that hospital smell that we are all familiar with? Chemicals in cleaning fluids, that's what. It's a dangerous place for me to be as it makes me sicker.

I'm pretty sure that we, as a society, use too much of these cleaning fluids because we think that these fragrances/chemical smells mean that something is clean. But really, if you spray body spray on top of dirty skin, the skin is still dirty! Teenagers, I'm looking at you!

For the past 2 or 3 years, I've been making my own laundry detergent. Ok, I do have a cheap brand (that I'm not reactive to) as a backup plan in the cupboard but I've never needed it unless I've been too lazy to make another batch of mine.

I looked on Pinterest (a wonderful place) to find various recipes and there were several to chose from. I settled on a liquid recipe and over the last few years have tweaked it to suit me. I've made what I think is my best ever batch, by accident, this weekend.

Please note that there are a few affiliate links in this post that will earn me commission at no extra cost to you if used. Thank you.

All you need are soda crystals, borax substitute, liquid Castille soap (I like Dr Bronners almond scented as it smells subtle and doesn't irritate me, but there are cheaper unfragranced brands too) and water. I use a large stock pot on the stove to make it in.

• To make it, add 5 cups of water to the pot and add 1 cup of Castille soap. Warm it on the stove until it starts to gently bubble then turn off the heat. 
• Add 1 cup of borax substitute and 1 cup of soda crystals to the pot. Stir until all the solids are dissolved. It took me a while this time as my borax substitute had gone a bit hard, but it still worked fine. You will feel this bottom of the pot turn from a sandy texture to a smooth slimy texture as you stir. 
• When everything is dissolved, add 5 cups of cold water to the pot and mix well. 
• At this point, I leave the mix to cool in the pot while I go off and do something else. 
• Once cooled you will find that the soap tends to separate out into layers. I used to whisk it by hand to mix it up again but I found a little bit of magic this weekend all because I have a very painful arthritic shoulder. So rather than struggle with a whisk, I got out my electric hand blender. I thought I was being lazy but wow! What a great pearl of wisdom this turned out to be. The mix turned into a smooth set custard-like consistency. It was awesome and so easy. 
• Finally, spoon your laundry custard into large jars until use.
• When I use it in the washing machine I only need 1 tablespoon measure (from the measuring spoon set) or 1/2 tablespoon for a half load. 

A batch of homemade laundry custard detergent 

My first attempt years ago was like a thick sauce but my others were a bit more runny. I thought it was due to the storage temperature in my laundry room being colder but maybe I just wasn't beating the mix enough. The other major difference is that I now use liquid soap as I find grating a bar of soap hard work (again, thank you arthritis) and then I get bored waiting for it to dissolve in the warm water. So laziness (or self-preservation from pain) meant I switched to liquid soap and I much prefer the results.

I bought the ingredients for less than £19 (unless I upgrade to Dr Bronners soap which is more expensive). I only used half the borax substitute, about a 1/4 of the soda crystals and a 1/4 the bottle of Castille soap so there is plenty left over for another 3 batches is you buy a second borax substitute. I don't know how many loads I washed (as I don't count) but one batch lasted my family of 3 a full year. I even give a small jar to my mum.

My approximation of cost is £23 (with the extra box of borax substitute) for 4 years worth of laundry detergent for my family. That's less than £6 per year!!

I've had to look up the cost of Bold laundry pods (25 pods) as I haven't bought any for so long. I was shocked to see it is on Amazon for £20! That would last about 1 month. With these calculations, it would cost £240 per year for Bold compared to my £6 per year by making my own laundry detergent that works just as well. A saving of £234 per year to go in our early retirement pot!!

So making my own detergent not only helps keep me well (my main motivation for doing this) by avoiding unnecessary chemicals, but it's also very eco-friendly (especially if you use a bar of soap that is wrapped in paper rather than plastic). Then, of course, it's so much cheaper that you have to wonder why we pay so much to have it made for us with all those nasty chemicals added.

I seriously recommend you give it a go sometime. It took less than 30 minutes in all (with cooling time in the middle). That's a very good monetary return on your time.

Soul searching

I've done a lot of soul searching in the last year, especially over the winter while being indoors a lot more. I've talked poor hubby to death about what we ultimately want to do in life and how to get there. Thankfully, we do agree on a lot of things but not always how to get there.

The older (and sicker) I've got, I've realised just how much I hate modern Western society. I simply don't fit into it anymore. Not that I'm too sad by that. Over the last decade my life has changed so dramatically starting with the loss of my health and quickly followed by loss of career then my marriage (that turned out to be a blessing in disguise for all concerned).

I remarried nearly 5 years ago and it's been wonderful. I've found someone who truly shares my values and we have found a big overlap in our ambitions as well. It turns out that these are things that are vital to a successful marriage but what do you know when you're in your 20s! Also, my priorities in life have changed a LOT since my 20s. I'm not the same person. I'd like to think I'm a better person but it's always a work in progress.

Sunset in the South of France, just before the bats came out.

Back to modern society, it simply doesn't have a place for me any more. I'm not in the rat race career wise as I was medically retired (against my wishes) about 10 years ago. However, I'm still stuck with the rat race indirectly through hubby. As I'm not well enough to work it is his sole responsibility to work and earn an income. We are still stuck, for now.

I have always to some extent hated the consumerism and materialism of our society. It became my norm when with my ex as he's fully into it, whereas I've always been a natural saver. When I became a single parent it probably wasn't as hard for me to penny pinch as I have that tendency anyway. I still had a lot to learn though, and despite our expenses being very tightly controlled there is still a lot more we could do. That's could, not should! (I'm trying to ban the word 'should') It's simply about priorities.

Over the years I have noticed that our society is completely geared towards wasting money and going into debt over it. Apart from my mortgage debts and a student loan that was paid off nearly 20 years ago I've only ever been in debt through my divorce. Those things will cripple you folks! Since then, I've clawed my way back, even without being able to work in an employed sense, mainly by avoiding spending money. Just because it's reduced, doesn't mean you need it!

So we are stuck in a rat race trying to earn enough to satisfy our societal urges to spend on stuff we don't need, and often don't even want! I mean, how ridiculous!

What I crave now can't be bought with money. I want simplicity, wholesome fun, to be surrounded by nature and trees. I luurve trees by the way! I can't breathe (literally) when stuck in a concrete jungle commonly known as a city. Most of all, I want to share it all with hubby.

The coastline of West Wales

Hubby and I long to retire to the countryside of France, or West Wales if my health causes too much problem abroad. I like having a plan B for days when I struggle to see France actually happening for us, especially with the uncertainties of Brexit. But I'm not going to get into politics.

I have a need to be surrounded by trees and countryside but hubby, on the other hand, is a sailor and needs to be near to the sea. Parts of France simply can't accommodate both of these dreams so we've been focusing on exploring the areas inland but in an hours drive of the sea. We go to France each year and 'test' out a new area. We drive around lots to get a feel for how accessible places are to each other in the hope of finding that sweet spot.

A short drive from our current house on the outskirts of the city, SE Wales

Our plan B in West Wales is, in fact, much easier as there are beautiful countryside and woodlands in West Wales and you are never far from the coast. What we want is to live in the countryside/woods but have easy access to the coast for sailing during the summertime. I don't fancy being coastal during the winter months when we would be battered by all the Atlantic winds and storms.

The other part of the dream is to retire to our rural retreat sooner rather than later. My life expectancy isn't as good with my problems and as I get sicker each year time is an important consideration. So long as we are dependent on hubby's job we can't move anywhere better for my health. So we have been looking at how we can generate passive income and reduce our needs enough that the two can allow hubby to retire early.

This is not exactly the start of my journey but somehow it is a new chapter. I've walked away from my old life, accepted that I'll never work again and importantly I've got out of debt from the divorce (as has hubby following his divorce). Instead of fixing past mistakes, I now feel like we can plan for a better future, so it is a new chapter for me.