Who am I?

This might sound like a strange question. I mean, who doesn't know who they are? Well, it seems like I might not know. Who am I really, really, deep down? Or I've at least lost who I am for the moment.

Ten years ago this seemed to be easy to answer. I was a medical research scientist. That was how I identified. At least I did until I was medically retired. Then my world came tumbling down and I've had an identity crisis ever since.

I am a wife and mother!

We live in a society that only seems to value what you do for a job as an identity, not who we really are underneath.

This has bugged me for a long, long time. That way of thinking reduces a person down to nothing more than their capacity for earning money. Not surprising in our consumerist orientated society. But if you think about it, it's actually very belittling.

I was well respected as a scientist. It sounds like a cool career that adds value to society, especially when I said 'cancer researcher', as that's sexy! But what about those who do other things in life that are not 'sexy'?

Hubby is a litigator in motor insurance. It's a boring job to explain to anyone but it's also a job that helps people during a stressful time, that is after they've had an accident and need help navigating the settlement and any losses (car or injury). He deals with angry and upset clients every single day, who are often nasty to him despite that he is trying to help them. It's a very worthwhile job but not seen that way.

I am an explorer!

What about the essential bin men that keep our homes and streets clean? They certainly don't get the respect they deserve. They are up early every day to do a dirty job and keep our rubbish under control. I think they are local heroes. Our bins are emptied before I even get out of bed in the morning! They save us having to drive our rubbish to the tip ourselves and help us to recycle what we can. Our bin men have been great helping me to navigate the confusing array of recyclable and non-recyclable things. I don't think they get the respect deserved from this identity even though they are essential to a smooth running society.

We are so much more than our job titles yet the first thing I always get asked when I meet someone is 'What do you do (for a living)?'.

I never know what to say as it makes me feel useless and worthless when reduced to a job title. I also don't want to say that I'm a retired scientist as that's not really what I am now. It's looking towards the past and not the future. This doesn't help me to move on.

Part of my recent soul searching has me looking at who I actually am. How do I identify these days? It's not easy. After ten years I still want to cling to what I used to be and this has probably caused me so much more anguish than if I had let it go years ago.

I am a francophile!

I sat and wrote a list of things that I am now. It took a few days to think of all these. It wasn't easy to go against the grain and look deeper than how I earn money. It has helped me to see myself as a more whole person and for this I'm grateful.

Today, I am a mother, a wife and a friend. These describe my important relationships. I provide a stable home for my family with clean clothes and nutritious meals. I am also bringing up a wonderful daughter and teaching her to grow into an independent young woman.

I am an avid bookworm and an eternal student. I need to keep on learning every day or I feel stuck and directionless. I read a ridiculous number of books each year. Well over a hundred!!

I am a chronically sick and disabled person. Ok, it's not how I want to identify but it is a part of me. I stress though that it's only a PART of me. However, this part of me has made me a more aware and compassionate person. It has definitely taught me that you cannot judge a person on appearances.

I am a landlord and small investor. This is something relatively new but something that I'm am trying to be the best I possibly can at. I take being a landlord very seriously, as my family knows firsthand the pain of losing someone at the fault of a negligent landlord.

I'm also starting to identify as my ambitions. Hubby and I are Francophiles and dream of living part-time in France when he retires. We are slowly getting better at speaking French and we love to explore the culture when we go each year. Not to mention that I always feel better, healthwise, in France.

Missy is a chicken whisperer!

I also aspire to live a more simple life in the country where I can grow my own food and raise chickens for eggs and meat. I would love to be able to run a proper small holding but I have to realise that I have limits due to my health. I'm sure there's a small scale way I can achieve this though and still feel the same fulfilment.

So, I am a wannabe homesteader. Getting back in touch with the natural world and honing my basic skills, such as cooking, preserving, gardening, raising animals and so on. I crave the complete opposite of the rat race.

I am trying to be an intentionalist. This is where everything I do, buy and devote valuable energy to is considered intentionally. I no longer wish to waste precious resources (money, time and energy) on things that have no value to me or my family. This is a work in progress and probably always will be. Maybe this needs a post of its own.

I am definitely a work in progress. Maybe I should start with that one!

So next time I get asked, 'What do you do?', I will try to reply with, 'I love to <list my passions>' and follow by asking what they love to do.

Surely, getting to know someone by talking about what they love to do is far more interesting than their job title, unless maybe they are an astronaut or work for Greenpeace. But I guess those things would also be what they love so it still works.