Media break

I've felt quite chilled this last week. That's actually quite an achievement for me. I'm usually a highly strung person who is always shaking her head at the idiocy she sees all around. But not today.

Today, I woke early and didn't dread the shower (as it wears me out with fibro). I was up and dressed without procrastinating. Downstairs is vacuumed, the laundry is on and coffee is brewing. I'm planning dinner, at least in my head for now. I've got things to get on with today but no timetable for them, which is how I like it.

Going with the flow and watching time pass

We had a wonderful afternoon yesterday around a neighbours place for lunch and drinks, which hubby and our neighbour greatly enjoyed! They both need a drinking partner as neither his wife or I drink. Hubby even got away with only a minor headache this morning, which is impressive given the shots that were going down! Hey, we only live once and it's not a habit for either of them.

Having a highly sensitive nervous system and fibro, I'm more than happy to have a chilled day at home today. I love to socialise but it does take a lot out of me. So pottering about today without a schedule suits me fine.

One of the problems with being what is termed a highly sensitive person or HSP is that I feel everything in a heightened way and don't seem to have filters. I take on the moods and feelings of those around me, even those who I am reading about. I feel their emotions and troubles as if they are my own. It can make socialising very exhausting.

It doesn't stop with face to face contact though. I stopped routinely watching the news about 10 years ago as all it did was make me feel bad. Every piece of news is negative and about suffering. I feel it all and it brings me down. I seem to take on the world's troubles as my own and get overwhelmed.

Social media has become just as bad since it first came about. It used to be a place where I kept in touch with distant friends and family, and shared photos of adventures when I lived abroad and when Missy was new born. It was a relatively friendly place.

Now I see more of the bad side of social media. It's all clickbait and scam articles that circulate repeatedly by those who don't check if they are real before sharing. It's full of things like animal abuse photos, aggressive political views (especially with Brexit going on), religious views being forced onto you, all the ads seem to be trying to sell me a scam cure for whatever illness they think they can profit from. My illnesses all have no cure so seeing this every. single. time I log on is insulting at best, upsetting at worst. There are trolls everywhere and there's a lack of censorship with all the sheep sharing things that enrage them without verifying any of what is said. It's a hostile place, the badlands of the internet.

In short, social media should come with a health warning like cigarettes do. Using social media is bad for your mental health and can cause feelings of despair. How does that sound?

Soo, not the Jones!! Just goofy!

Social media has become the home of the Jones and everyone trying to keep up with the Jones. It's a place for showing off to the world just how good your life is, even if it's not. No one puts the really bad stuff on there. Most don't even put the run of the mill downside to life on there. You see an extremely one-sided view of everyone else's lives. Then you fall into the trap of wondering why your life isn't as perfect as everyone else's.

This is a big worry for the vulnerable in society and our teenagers who are still learning about the world. I'm thankful that so far Missy doesn't want to have anything to do with social media, but I know it will happen at some point. She is also an HSP, so I worry about the effects it will have on her. I also don't know how to parent effectively in this matter. Kids are more savvy with tech than their parents these days. We didn't grow up with it but they did and it's as natural a part of life to them as having a tv is to my generation.

It's not just kids that are vulnerable. I've noticed that over the years I tend to use facebook more during times of stress. It then fuels my stress and makes me feel worse. I'm not even sure why I do this to myself. In the middle of the night when I can't sleep because of pain and everything is quiet I know that somewhere someone will be on facebook. Before I've even thought about it, I'm downstairs with a drink, the intention being not to wake hubby, and facebook is on. It's the only distraction during those long quiet hours.

So I scroll through a few pages. It re-enforces to me that everyone else is leading a happy, healthier life than I am. Then I definitely can't sleep with the pain as I've now added an emotional layer on top of the physical pain that stopped me sleeping in the first place. Yet, I fall victim to this trap time and time again while desperately searching for a distraction.

I like to think that I'm an intelligent person yet I still allow this trap to get me. I wonder if I have an addiction problem. Yet, I don't use social media much when life is on an up so I doubt this. So what is it about this technology and how can we avoid it's negative side? If I keep getting caught in it, how can I help Missy when she starts to use it? What a mess!

Last year, I stopped using all social media for 3 months. I didn't ban myself from it for a set amount of time. I just thought I needed a break so I stopped using it. And you know what? I felt better in myself and more confident. I stopped feeling like I needed to justify my existence all the time. I was able to say no to people without needing to offer an explanation. It was liberating and totally unexpected.

After about 3 months I went back onto facebook as it's a convenient way to keep in touch with friends who live abroad. It's the reason I joined in the first place. Then it slowly went downhill again.

There are some *friends* who do nothing but complain. I know everyone needs a shoulder at times and I'm usually the first to offer (it's an HSP trait). But after a while (nearly 10 years in one case) it becomes obvious that some of these people are not willing to help themselves and simply must enjoy being miserable.

Those who I didn't know very well were unfriended and my newsfeed became a bit more friendly. I went though all my friends list and reduced it dramatically. I have culled most of the pages that I follow (or others have followed for me!) and I have blocked aggressive pages and groups.

For a while all was good. Then facebook started targeting poor-ole-me-with-too-few-friends with loads of suggestions and clickbait adverts. Facepalm! I wanted a small group of quality connections. I'm not interested in a large number of *friends* who would never make the cut in real life. Yet this seems to be forced on us now in a bid to further attract paid (unvetted) ads. The more connections we all have, the more effectively ads can be spread around. It's all about money and greed. Very little about friendship now. What started out as a friendly place had become corrupted.

A couple of weeks ago I was going to deactivate and delete my account to prevent further temptation. I debated this for months beforehand and sadly decided against it. I use Messenger on my phone to keep in touch my friends overseas and we use video calls on wifi as the cost to phone is high. I don't know if I can still use messenger without having a facebook account and I don't want to switch to another app that is covered in adverts.

I did the next best thing I could think of. I've deleted the app from all my devices. I don't have such quick access to facebook now. If I want to use it I have to go and turn on the laptop (in another room) and load it through chrome. It's still quite easy to do but I don't have the habit of using social media on my laptop so it's easier to forget about.

It's been about 3 weeks since I've deleted the apps and I have only logged in once (as I couldn't see a link I was sent in messenger). I was very good and didn't scroll down the page. I did feel uncomfortable though with it there. Honestly, I have more will power avoiding gluten containing foods that I absolutely will not eat knowingly. I'm not weak willed, yet facebook is devious.

This week has been the Easter holidays so Missy has been off school and Hubby has been around more too. Usually, this stresses me if I don't get enough quiet time but this week it hasn't bothered me. In fact, I've wanted to socialise more than usual.

I'm going with the flow! What?

I've felt lighter and more my own person. I haven't justified my existence or given reasons for shortcomings. I've gone with the flow a lot more. I've also found a lot more time for reading and writing without these worries and doubts floating around. I feel happier. I am more accepting of myself. I have limitations that others don't have and am no longer feeling the need to punish myself for things beyond my control. I've stopped comparing myself to these rose tinted versions of everyone else's lives. Even though the logical part of me knows that they all have crap in their lives as well that they don't share, the subconscious part of me doesn't seem to recognise it. The subliminal messages are still there telling me that I'm not good enough. So I've cut them off at the source.

Maybe, I don't actually need to live as a hermit, but simply live in real life and leave the digital well alone. Additionally, I don't watch much news on tv as there's little I can do about any of it. In fact, I watch very little live tv at all so I don't see many adverts either that tell me I'm inadequate.

I know that there have been many studies done on the effect of all these things in our lives, especially on children. It is down to the government to put in place better laws to improve these things but that's unlikely to happen. We live in a world of greed where anyone is a target for advertising in order to make money.

The only control I have is in my own life and household. We talk openly about these dangers and I have discussed adverts with Missy since she was young so that she can see that they are preying on people to sell you things you mostly don't need.

It's a work in progress. Life always is. For example, this second I've received an email from BUPA trying to sell me medical insurance that they actually can't give me anyway! Oh the timing!!

I know everyone looks back on simpler times through rose tinted glasses but I firmly believe that life was simpler before the digital age. Communities were actual people down the road instead of in the digital fog. We talked to each other then. It was far more healthy.

I do love lots about the internet. The access to knowledge that I only dreamed of as a child, in particular. eBooks are my favourite invention! I realise now that we need to be very selective in what we allow into our lives. For now I'm back on a social media blackout. I don't know if it will stick this time but I'm happy to have a break from it.

Every community needs a goat!

Homemade yoghurt for better gut health

I've been doing a lot of research over the years about gut health as I have leaky gut that lead to me developing numerous autoimmune diseases. Sadly, Missy also has gut issues and is reactive to gluten containing grains and all pulses. We have FODMAP issues.

Western medicine has really let me down in my lifetime in this regard and I really don't want Missy to suffer the way I have. This is why we eat a clean diet with minimal processed foods.

Recently, I read a fantastic book by Dr Michael Moseley called The Clever Gut Diet: How to revolutionise your body from the inside out. (Affiliate link)

This book explains what your gut flora/ microbiome is and the different strains of good (and bad) gut bacteria. I'm amazed at how these little guys can have such a massive effect on our health. This book talks a lot about the relationship of the gut to type 2 diabetes and obesity, but also touches on autoimmune diseases and inflammatory bowel conditions (as well as a few others).

I don't think it really matters what condition you are trying to treat in the context of this book. It focuses more on what a healthy gut microflora should be and how our diet can either enhance this or destroy it. In my case, years of undiagnosed food intolerances and allergies have pretty much destroyed mine so I'm really focused now on doing what I can to restore my gut health as much as possible.

If you have poor health, particularly any gut issues I can strongly recommend this book. It is an easy read backed up by science (the references are in the back if you want them) and doesn't focus on any fad diets. Dr Moseley explains that he uses the word diet in its true sense, that is, what you feed your body (and gut bacteria). It is about lifestyle, not dieting. Moreover, I feel that I now have some control back and can move forward with trying to improve my health without the Western medicine approach of treating the symptoms. I'm now trying to get to the cause to stop the symptoms at the source rather than cover them up with a prescription.

I've struggled with getting the right gut bacteria for decades as sadly I am unable to eat most foods that are associated with good gut bacteria; onion family, pulses and beans, fermented foods and so on. What I have stumbled upon is making my own yoghurt as I've never had any issues eating dairy products.

You knew yoghurt was in this post somewhere from the title. Well done for getting this far to find it!

Dr Moseley confirmed in his book what I've thought for many years, that commercial yoghurts with added good bacteria just aren't good enough. In trials, most commercial products, such as Actimel and Yakoult that we get in the UK, simply don't give the benefits that are promised. It might be that the bacteria are not in a high enough concentration, they might not adequately survive the acid in the stomach or by the time they reach the shelves they are not as active. Whatever the reason, I've failed to get any benefit from them over the years that I've intermittently tried them. The other problem with commercial products is that the bacteria cultures simply are not diverse enough. Often there is only one culture, at best two, in these products, whereas gut health is all about diversity.

The only option I can see is to make my own yoghurt with a more diverse culture. I can also control the time of incubation to allow enough bacteria to form so that some survive my stomach acid. Additionally, there is no time delay between making the yoghurt and being available to eat. That is, no shipping or time wasted in warehouses.

Making your own yoghurt only requires two ingredients. You need milk and a starter culture.

Kefir, a fermented milk product with live cultures

I used full fat cows milk as I was aiming for a creamy textured yoghurt. I have read plenty of recipes where other milk can be used too, such as goats milk or coconut milk. Pinterest is a great source of information for finding recipes. There is also advice and recipe details in Dr Moseley's book.

There are various starter cultures you can use. The easiest is probably by using a store bought natural live yoghurt. I checked out the cultures in these yoghurts in my store and found that the most I could find were the two stains of bacteria most commonly used. I really wanted a more diverse culture as I'm trying to get back to good health rather than maintain it.

I looked a bit further around the aisles and found Kefir, a fermented milk product, that contained several strains of bacterial cultures (including Bifidobacterium, Lactobacillus acidophilus, Lactobacillus plantarum, Lactobacillus casei and Lactobacillus rhamnosus). I decided to try this as a starter culture.

An alternative I've read about is using kefir grains to make your own fermented milk (or sugar water if you can't drink cows milk) but I haven't yet tried this. I opted for the kefir milk as it stated on the bottle that it is gluten free and seemed the easier option. You can also buy dried starter cultures from health food shops, but again, I haven't used these so can't comment any further.

A 2 pint thermos bowl, used as an incubator.

So now we have our 2 required ingredients. All we need now is a large pan to heat the milk in, a thermometer and a vessel to keep the culture warm for 8-12 hours. I used a thermos bowl, this one but in white as I already had it in the house and it has a 2 pint capacity. (That's an affiliate link)

I made 2 pints of yoghurt but you can scale up or down depending on how much you need.

Add 2 pints of milk to a pan and heat to above 85 degrees centigrade. This kills off any potential bad bacteria that might be in the milk. I find a thermometer is useful here.

Take the milk off the heat and allow it to cool to 42 degrees centigrade. This is the ideal temperature for most bacteria to grow. Note that it's just above our body temperature of 37 degrees centigrade.

When the milk is cooled, add 1 tablespoon of your chosen starter culture for every pint of milk you heated. 2 tbsp in this case.

Stir to mix thoroughly. Then pour the milk/culture into your thermos bowl. Pop on the lid and leave for 8-12 hours to turn into yoghurt. Try not to move the thermos once settled to allow the yoghurt to set.

My first batch of homemade yoghurt! 

If you don't have a thermos, don't worry. Years ago, the milk culture would have been poured into clean glass jars and wrapped in tea towels and left in a warm place. If you are worried about not having a warm place you could try popping it into an oven that was preheated to the lowest setting and then turned off. The closed oven door should insulate the jars for long enough. Again, I haven't tried this as I had a thermos but it's how it used to be made so give it a go.

After leaving my culture overnight (and then some as I forgot I made it!) it had turned into a slightly set creamy yoghurt. I did the taste test with Missy and we agreed that it is super yummy. That's our technical word for it!

Gluten free pancakes with homemade yoghurt, banana
and a drizzle of maple syrup. Yum!

The yoghurt tastes like unsweetened Greek yoghurt. It's creamy with a slight tang. It suits both sweet treats as well as for use in salad dressings. I've even seen recipes for cakes using natural yoghurt in place of milk. Hubby also uses yoghurt in our homemade gluten free flat breads and pizza doughs. That's food for thought! See what I did there!

I have to say that I'm slightly impressed with myself. It definitely got the scientist in me excited. It's been a long time since I've purposely grown bacterial cultures!

I should point out that it's a good idea to keep back some yoghurt to use as the starter culture for next time (so long as its in about 3 weeks, as this is the shelf life in the fridge). It saves having to buy starter culture every time you make it, and I'm all about finding cheaper ways to do things! ;-)

As for any health benefits. I really don't know. This is a long journey that I'm on and if I do improve I won't be able to say if it was because of the yoghurt as I'm changing lots of things. Also, a sample size of one (uncontrolled) study would not make for good science! I do however, feel more confident about using a more diverse starter culture and eating the yoghurt fresh. Either way, it tastes great!

A wannabe homesteader makes wine

I've always loved the feeling of being in touch with Mother Nature so maybe it's no surprise that I dream of a life tending towards small scale homesteading. I guess the UK name for a homestead would be a small holding but that always seems to focus more on animals in my mind, whereas I want the simple life all round.

I would love to live somewhere rural with a big farmhouse kitchen, the centre of all activity. There is something deeply attractive about being semi-self sufficient. Not only would I have a much deeper level of gratitude for where everything comes from, but I also like to stick it to the man and not have to pay taxes (VAT) on my efforts. ;)

The start of kitchen renovations years ago. Missy was so little!

For a long time, hubby and I were dreaming of all this in retirement but we've changed our minds a bit. In short, why wait until retirement? We can start some of these things now and get a start on our learning.

By learning new skills and researching them I'm finding a new sense of purpose in life that gives me immense satisfaction. It's also funny to see how things turn out during my, er, shall we call them experiments?

Our latest experiment is around making our own wine.

I think I'll start by making fruit wine.

Hubby usually bulk buys his wine when we go to France each year to keep the costs down but this year we've decided not to go due to Brexit complications and my health being a royal pain in the proverbial. So we have needed to rethink his cheap drinking habits. I do mean *his* drinking as I haven't drunk alcohol in nearly 7 years. No, not even on our wedding day! I found that alcohol was responsible for making my arthritis and fibromyalgia flare. So, in short, not worth it.

My father has made wines and beers on and off over the years but isn't currently making them. He has kindly lent us the equipment and even given us two left over kits that he had. He will, of course, benefit from the fruits of our labour providing they taste more like fruits and less like vinegar! Our start up costs, as a result, were extremely low. All we really needed was some fresh yeast, as it doesn't have a long shelf life, and a few brushes for cleaning the wine bottles that we are reusing and the demi-johns that we've been loaned.

We decided to start with the small kit to get a feel for the process. Also, early spring isn't really the best time for foraging for fruit! Hopefully, we can find some elderflowers in about a month though.

Fermentation scum. Smells good though!

The first step was cleaning and sterilising all the equipment we needed to use. You would think this should be easy but we ended up sterilising the wrong things and had to start over again! I blame the instructions for not being clear enough about what a fermentation container actually was. I assumed it was the demi-john but ours weren't large enough so I had to go back and sterilise the fermentation bucket. The total volume of liquid was about 1 litre more than a demi-john capacity and the thought of having to measure the volume of each sachet added and then split according to the proportions of 1.2 demi-johns was too much for my brain to be bothered with at the time. So I used the larger bucket instead. My pressure release system being a slightly loose lid!

I followed the instructions and set up the bucket of what we hope will become nectar. It's now sitting on my breakfast bar bubbling away for a week. Then I will check the specific gravity to determine if fermentation is complete and proceed with the clearing, filtering and bottling next week.

So far, all I can say for sure is that it smells divine! And has a nice thick scummy layer on top that I presume is normal. Who am I to say? I've never done this before!

Hopefully, next week I will have some good news and hubby (and my Dad) can enjoy a glass, or several, together.

Update: 1/5/19

After about a week the fermentation stopped. The bubbles stopped and I thought the wine was ready for the next stage. Out came the hydrometer to check the specific gravity (SG) in the hope that the wine was ready for clearing and then bottling.

That was the hope, but sadly the SG was way too high indicating that the sugar was still sugar rather than alcohol. I even tasted a bit on a spoon and it was really, really sweet. This wasn't supposed to happen!

Our kit however, is 5 years out of date so I guessed that something had caused the fermentation to get stuck. Hey, it was a free kit after all, so I rolled with it.

I wasn't able to check the acidity as I don't have pH papers. I did know that it was too sweet, from the taste test, so there wasn't enough alcohol to kill the yeast. The yeast was new and had been active. I did wonder if I had been a bit heavy handed with the Campden tablets and accidentally killed the yeast but further reading explained that it kills bacteria and *wild* yeasts. So that was unlikely at the doses used.

The only thing I could think of was to add more yeast nutrient and hope to kick start the yeast again. I added another teaspoon of the new yeast nutrient and gave everything a good stir.

After 24 hours, the fermentation restarted and the bucket was bubbling away again. I guess the age of the kit was an issue. Or the temperature in my kitchen wasn't right or consistent enough. I can't carry that heavy bucket upstairs to the airing cupboard though so it stayed in the kitchen where I can keep an eye on it.

I checked the bucket 2 days later and was nearly bowled over with the smell of alcohol when I opened the lid. Wow! I was feeling drunk from the fumes! Time to check the SG again.

Home brew

This time around the SG had dropped well below 1.000 that I was aiming for and was 0.900 indicating a very, very dry wine. At this point I added the stabiliser and started the clearing process. It didn't look very appetising at the time. I think I likened it to a watered down sewage sample! Yummy!

Amazingly, by the next day the finings had done their work and the wine had cleared and looked like... wine! Yay! I didn't really want to offer anyone a glass of raw sewage. Even I have my standards!

All the dead yeast and scummy bits had sedimented to the bottom of the bucket. I was ready for it this time and the siphon and tubing were all sterilised ready with the bottles and corks. On occasion I can be organised.

Hubby helped me to siphon the wine into a clean bucket from which he sampled my wares for the taste test. I don't like dry wine but as I don't drink it was down to Hubby to decide if it needed sweetening before bottling. He has happy with it. Very happy, in fact. I was also pleased as it meant I could skip the sweetening stage and move right onto bottling.

Our mini-production line for all of 6 bottles was set up. I filled the bottles and Hubby forced the corks in. Tip: soak the corks overnight before hand and they go in easier. ;-)

There was about a pint more wine than we had sterile bottles for left in a jug. Rather than waste it Hubby decided to drink it there and then. Well, over the next hour or so. He didn't neck it back like a drunk.

Before he fell asleep

This is when we discovered that it was very alcoholic for a wine. Hubby is a big guy at 6 foot 5 inches and was reduced to a giggling school girl rather quickly. He was asleep by 8pm!

I didn't have a starting SG reading so I couldn't accurately work out the alcohol level. I estimated the starting SG as an average for a starting point for wine. Then working out the difference between the supposed starting SG and the final SG, and using a fudge factor we got from our wine making book, we estimated the alcohol to be 24% v/v. That seemed rather high to us and if Hubby had to guess he would say it was somewhere between 16 and 18%. It was potent, but not that potent.

Either way, I had a very happy unconscious Hubby who now thinks I'm a great wife as I can make cheap plonk. I'll take that. :-)

We did give my father a bottle as thankfully it tastes like wine, not vinegar. It was touch and go whether I could get it to work but I feel that I succeeded on this occasion. I even have another batch set up but this time from tinned fruit and not using an out of date kit!

Who am I?

This might sound like a strange question. I mean, who doesn't know who they are? Well, it seems like I might not know. Who am I really, really, deep down? Or I've at least lost who I am for the moment.

Ten years ago this seemed to be easy to answer. I was a medical research scientist. That was how I identified. At least I did until I was medically retired. Then my world came tumbling down and I've had an identity crisis ever since.

I am a wife and mother!

We live in a society that only seems to value what you do for a job as an identity, not who we really are underneath.

This has bugged me for a long, long time. That way of thinking reduces a person down to nothing more than their capacity for earning money. Not surprising in our consumerist orientated society. But if you think about it, it's actually very belittling.

I was well respected as a scientist. It sounds like a cool career that adds value to society, especially when I said 'cancer researcher', as that's sexy! But what about those who do other things in life that are not 'sexy'?

Hubby is a litigator in motor insurance. It's a boring job to explain to anyone but it's also a job that helps people during a stressful time, that is after they've had an accident and need help navigating the settlement and any losses (car or injury). He deals with angry and upset clients every single day, who are often nasty to him despite that he is trying to help them. It's a very worthwhile job but not seen that way.

I am an explorer!

What about the essential bin men that keep our homes and streets clean? They certainly don't get the respect they deserve. They are up early every day to do a dirty job and keep our rubbish under control. I think they are local heroes. Our bins are emptied before I even get out of bed in the morning! They save us having to drive our rubbish to the tip ourselves and help us to recycle what we can. Our bin men have been great helping me to navigate the confusing array of recyclable and non-recyclable things. I don't think they get the respect deserved from this identity even though they are essential to a smooth running society.

We are so much more than our job titles yet the first thing I always get asked when I meet someone is 'What do you do (for a living)?'.

I never know what to say as it makes me feel useless and worthless when reduced to a job title. I also don't want to say that I'm a retired scientist as that's not really what I am now. It's looking towards the past and not the future. This doesn't help me to move on.

Part of my recent soul searching has me looking at who I actually am. How do I identify these days? It's not easy. After ten years I still want to cling to what I used to be and this has probably caused me so much more anguish than if I had let it go years ago.

I am a francophile!

I sat and wrote a list of things that I am now. It took a few days to think of all these. It wasn't easy to go against the grain and look deeper than how I earn money. It has helped me to see myself as a more whole person and for this I'm grateful.

Today, I am a mother, a wife and a friend. These describe my important relationships. I provide a stable home for my family with clean clothes and nutritious meals. I am also bringing up a wonderful daughter and teaching her to grow into an independent young woman.

I am an avid bookworm and an eternal student. I need to keep on learning every day or I feel stuck and directionless. I read a ridiculous number of books each year. Well over a hundred!!

I am a chronically sick and disabled person. Ok, it's not how I want to identify but it is a part of me. I stress though that it's only a PART of me. However, this part of me has made me a more aware and compassionate person. It has definitely taught me that you cannot judge a person on appearances.

I am a landlord and small investor. This is something relatively new but something that I'm am trying to be the best I possibly can at. I take being a landlord very seriously, as my family knows firsthand the pain of losing someone at the fault of a negligent landlord.

I'm also starting to identify as my ambitions. Hubby and I are Francophiles and dream of living part-time in France when he retires. We are slowly getting better at speaking French and we love to explore the culture when we go each year. Not to mention that I always feel better, healthwise, in France.

Missy is a chicken whisperer!

I also aspire to live a more simple life in the country where I can grow my own food and raise chickens for eggs and meat. I would love to be able to run a proper small holding but I have to realise that I have limits due to my health. I'm sure there's a small scale way I can achieve this though and still feel the same fulfilment.

So, I am a wannabe homesteader. Getting back in touch with the natural world and honing my basic skills, such as cooking, preserving, gardening, raising animals and so on. I crave the complete opposite of the rat race.

I am trying to be an intentionalist. This is where everything I do, buy and devote valuable energy to is considered intentionally. I no longer wish to waste precious resources (money, time and energy) on things that have no value to me or my family. This is a work in progress and probably always will be. Maybe this needs a post of its own.

I am definitely a work in progress. Maybe I should start with that one!

So next time I get asked, 'What do you do?', I will try to reply with, 'I love to <list my passions>' and follow by asking what they love to do.

Surely, getting to know someone by talking about what they love to do is far more interesting than their job title, unless maybe they are an astronaut or work for Greenpeace. But I guess those things would also be what they love so it still works.

Physio update

It's actually more of a non-physio update at the moment.

3 weeks ago I was forced to stop doing my physio sadly. The pain was unbearable and my range of movement was getting less and less. It was pretty obvious to me that the inflammation in my shoulder was getting far, far worse.

The inflammation has now spread down to my elbow, wrist and into my fingers, as well as up into my neck and down either side of my shoulder blades. I've been really miserable with it so not very inclined to write much.

In desperation I been trying to navigate our NHS. My rheumatologist has left the country after what I can only assume was a case of 'not being able to take any more' working in the NHS. I really don't blame him. He was wonderful for so many years but I've seen him become more and more downtrodden in recent years.

The substitute rheumy (while they try to recruit to our less than desirable health board) was awful. I saw him 6 months ago with this same problem and was told that he wanted to see me off medication to see 'just how bad it gets'!

I didn't come off medication as I already know how bad it gets. However, I've ended up in a really nasty flare despite being on medication. I'm also now overdue my 4 month check to see how bad it got.

I've been fighting to see a GP for numerous weeks too. I desperately need a steroid injection into my shoulder joint. A very unpleasant injection but also now very necessary to halt further progression. It's taken 3 weeks to be seen by a random GP, who isn't qualified to give these injections. The receptionists really make life more difficult than needed.

The GP was very nice but what she could offer was also limited. She did, however, book me back in for Thursday this week with the *right * Dr who can do the injection for me. She is also trying to refer me to another rheumatologist in our health board. Fingers crossed.

Why the receptionist couldn't book it for me 3 weeks ago I have no idea. It's a joke the way things are being run now.

I've even been looking to see if I can access treatment in a timely manner by going privately. Sadly, the private rheumy is the same one as the one I don't want to ever, and I mean ever, see again.

When I looked into the private GP service I found that sadly they are only allowed to refer me for private tests, treatments and private consultants. I simply can't afford that as the testing alone, without the cost of medication is simply far more than we can afford.

In a last ditch attempt, I looked into medical insurance again. However, none of them will cover anything pre-existing (outside of employee insurance) and everything I have or might have can all be refused by assuming it is another part of autoimmune disease.

Interestingly, private cover for the whole family (without any pre-existing) was less per month than hubby (and I used to pay) in National Insurance Contributions. It was the same when I paid for medical cover while living in California as well.

Right now, I'm stuck at home in tremendous pain and incapable of sleeping at night. I swear that there is no possible way to get comfortable without causing more pain when it's your shoulder (and all connected joints) that are flaring. No matter how I lie, sit or stand it bloody hurts!

I know I've got more to go through yet but I am hoping that the steroids will calm things down (after the 3-4 days of enhanced pain) and then I'll be able to resume physio. It's my right arm and I'm right handed. I have got to get better.

Finally, I've made the decision to stop taking my Cimzia medication (an anti-TNFalpha injection) as it's obviously not preventing flares as it should be and since I've been on it my liver function is getting worse and worse. I'm not going to keep destroying my liver (I don't drink, smoke or eat processed foods so it has to be medication) when I'm not getting the clinical benefit that I should be.

I guess I'm going to be in a rough way this year while I try to fight a broken system and find a reasonable Dr to oversee me. That is one who looks at my shoulder when I tell them I can't use it, instead of x-raying my hands and feet. Also, a Dr who can tell me how any new medication they want to push on me works. Hell, they can even tell me in medical jargon as I speak it! I was appalled that he was pressuring me to take a new-to-the-market drug when he didn't even know how it works. I was royally not impressed!

Meanwhile, I'm continuing my clean eating and quest for simple living in a bid to reduce the number of flares that I have. My ultra clean diet is helping me feel better in myself but I suspect that the flare was already too advanced to be reversible. I've always been fairly resistant to treatments for some reason so I believe that it is even more important for me to do everything in my power to help myself.

In fact, I can smell tonight's chicken and herbs in the stockpot cooking. I can honestly say that none of us have ever eaten so well and such tasty foods. Hubby and Missy often tell me that dinner was restaurant quality. It's become a necessary hobby for the three of us and our repertoire is ever expanding.